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Growing pains….An unsent letter

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As my beloved friend and teacher, I am hoping you might be able to offer me some insight or advice. Spare a pearl? I am having a hard time with resistance……
So, here’s the deal. It was about 5 years ago that I took my first yoga class. I was just working at the restaurant, hanging out, going to the beach, reading and cruising, smoking every day, partying with my friends, trying to build a life for myself here……Feeling somewhat lost and lonely (an ongoing theme in my life), but feeling like I was starting to get it together……had finally lost the 30 extra pounds I’d carried around since college, quit smoking cigarettes (mostly), pretty much slayed the “I’m not going to be able to be happy ‘till I find a man” dragon, and given up casual sex (mostly)…………All of which, I suppose, helped prepare me for this path which has cracked me wide open.
And now here I am, in love with my practice, feeling like I’ve found my legs as a teacher(!), trying to learn to navigate a social life without alcohol, fresh off the ganja, which I am having to re-admit makes me depressed, living the cleanest, healthiest life I have ever lived. And, God help me, feeling socially inept, lonely as hell, and bored out of my fucking mind. I miss numbing out…and dammit, I thought all of this clean living and soul searching was supposed to make me feel better…..Why do I feel worse? I feel like I’ve been duped!!!!
I’ll hear stories about wild nights at the bar or a party, and everyone laughs and laughs at the wonderful time they had, or a friend will go on about the 3 long, leisurely days they spent doing absolutely nothing but lying on the beach eating bonbons, and I’ll feel jealous and nostalgic and rather sorry for myself.
I sometimes wonder if part of the challenge is that I have made such a large shift in a rather short amount of time (Maybe you had too much too fast)…Ugh, but I feel like a hermit crab who has left his old, too-snug shell and is scrambling, all tiny and exposed and funny-looking, over to his new one. And I know that my “old life” made me quite miserable most of the time, and I believe in this process with all my heart. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that the light gets a bit brighter up ahead on the path. (How’s the weather where you are?)
Maybe I just haven’t quite grown into my new life yet? I want it, and I love it, and I feel so incredibly honored and grateful for it, but I just can’t seem to figure out how to dissolve that last bit of resistance and completely surrender to the new shape of my existence. I want to melt into it, joyfully, without this underlying feeling that I’m missing out on all the fun and, dare I say it, occasional resentment that I have to get up early and work, work, work, while everyone else is having the best time ever!
-I suppose, as always, the answer is, “Practice, practice. All is coming”
Thanks for listening,
Your (mostly) grateful student


One thought on “Growing pains….An unsent letter

  1. Anonymous: Do you spend a lot of time on Facebook or Twitter? I recently read an article about how people who spend a lot of time on social media (which is most of us), tend to feel lonely and depressed about their lives because they are bombarded with photos of people partying and smiling, which causes them to feel inadequate. The article also pointed out how people “groom” their profiles to appear more interesting or attractive, and only post photos that make them look that way. If people do that online, they probably do that in real life, too. So according to this study, your feelings are very common these days. Just something to think about.

    Also, you are a fantastic writer. Instead of worrying about what you may (or may not) be missing out on, you should spend more time putting pen to paper and writing poetry or journaling. Documenting & expressing these feelings will really help your growing process. Discovering your own unique creativity is the quickest way to learn to love yourself.

    Love unconditionally,
    your teacher.

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